Notes
by owlhipster
Summary: Adam's Death starts to affect Sauli. (A Saulibert fic) Characters : Adam Lambert, Sauli Koskien, OC


Sauli had packed most of Adam's stuff; put some of it away in the attic for Cameron. He had auctioned some off for charity. Some things he couldn't part with, Adam's cologne, his favorite black shirt and his silver comb. The comb still had Adam's hair in it. The shirt still smelled of him, it kept Sauli company. Adam had only passed away last week, but Sauli felt like it was forever. He felt void that could not be filled with alcohol or food. He felt loneliness like never before. Sauli could still not wrap his head around the fact that Adam killed himself. He was so happy, they had a 3 year old Cameron their whole life was ahead of them, why would he do this? But then again, they all seem happy until they commit.

Sauli pulled the side table drawer open, it was the one on Adam's side he finally opened it. Inside was a letter, blue in color and written on it in black ink was, "To Sauli," with all the courage he had Sauli picked up the letter and looked at it examine it before setting it back on the table. The doorbell was ringing. Sauli lifted himself off the bed and dragged himself downstairs. He unlocked the door it was Leila, Adam's mom. She seemed okay, Sauli had comforted her when the found Adam's body lying cold on her kitchen floor. "How you holdin up darling?" She asked her voice weak. Sauli scratched the back of his neck. "I'm okay. Cameron is too young to know what's going on. You should come in," Leila entered and Sauli took her coat and hung it. Leila waked to the kitchen and told Sauli that she wanted to cook for them. Sauli agreed to her proposition. He went upstairs to get Cameron. He unlocked the door to Cameron's room and saw Cameron playing with his teddy bear. Cameron's blonde hair fell on his face, covering his innocent blue eyes. "Cameron, your grandmother is here, do you wanna go downstairs?" Sauli asked. His thick Finnish accent was still there even though he had lived four years in LA. Cameron stood up and walked towards Sauli. Cameron exited through the door and went down the stairs. Sauli followed him to make sure he wouldn't fall down the stairs. Lelia was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. "I'm making pasta if you don't mind." She paused and waited for Sauli's response. "No of course not." Sauli replied. Adam always praised his Mom's pasta, but he never let her cook. He never tired her tried her pasta. Sauli smiled at the thought of Adam. He turned around on his heel and walked to a picture on the wall. It was a weird picture, Adam attacking Sauli from behind holding a bunch of dandelions in his hands. "I know you're looking out for me sippia." He quietly said. Sauli had lost track of time looking at the picture. He had lost track of reality, he felt as if he was drowning, suspended in his thoughts.

"Sauli! Come down," a shock sent him back. He wiped the tears from his face and run downstairs. Leila had set the table, the smell of the kitchen was strong and it smelled like something Adam would cook. "You didn't have and wine, so I used vodka instead if you don't mind." She said as she served the food. Sauli to spoonful and tried to swallow. Poking around in his plate he asked, "If I were to die, would you take care of Cameron?"

Sauli woke up feeling empty, neither sad nor lonely, but empty. He dressed Cameron in a black suit and tie. He knew what Adam was going to wear. A blue blazer with a black shirt and pants. He slipped the letter he found in the table into his jacket. The drive there was uncomfortable, for him at least. Sauli felt like an imposter because he didn't feel sad. It was worse for him, he felt as if he lost part of his heart. He felt like he couldn't breathe, he felt completely useless but not sad. The funeral was open casket. Everyone could see the beauty in his death, he was finally peaceful. His skin wasn't caked with makeup; it was him in his natural form. His skin was pale and so where his lips, they were a pale rose color. His nails were painted dark blue and he was wearing his leopard shoes, his hands were placed palms down so no one would know he slit his wrists. There was beauty, in his death, in his imperfection. Sauli saw it all. He wanted to hold Adam's hand one last time. To kiss his lips, to hear him speak again. Sauli looked into the black and silver coffin; he saw Adam's body so thin and fragile. Sauli's knees gave out he collapsed next to the coffin and started sobbing. "I miss you so much, you were my life I gave you everything. I supported you. Why did you do this to yourself? I want you back." He wept in Finnish. Tommy came and picked up Sauli from the ground. Everyone started to crowd around them. It was a small funeral, just close friends and family, so not that many people. It was the first time Sauli cried. He finally accepted it, Adam was gone…he was dead.

Tommy took Sauli to the back room. Sauli fell into one of the chairs, and Tommy sat next to him. "We all miss him Sauli. I know you miss him the most. It's okay." Tommy wiped the tears off of Sauli's face. Sauli fiddled with the jacket and handed him the blue envelope. Tommy opened the envelope, "Do you want me to read it to you?" Sauli nodded and fixed his position on the chair. He cocked his head sideways and listened to Tommy.

Dearest Sauli,

How many times have I sung for you? Broken English, and Better Than I know myself? You taught me lullabies in Finnish that I sung to Cameron at night when he could not sleep. You have taught me so many things which I would never forget. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know you might be frightened and even surprised by my death but you do not understand I had to do it. I do know that it never showed that I was suicidal, but in reality I always was. I had tried to kill myself back in the 10th grade, but someone talked me out. Now do not blame yourself for the fact that I killed myself I timed it in such a way that no one could talk me out because I am tired. You might've told me about my fans, oh how I love them. My fans are amazing, but I cannot stand living with myself. How long have we lived together? Four years right? But you never seemed to notice the scars on my thighs or the ones on my hips, have you? That's right, I was a cutter. I never went to therapy because it's just a phase right?

Tommy covered his mouth in shock and fell to the ground in disbelief. "Adam.." was the only word that left his mouth. Tommy gathered his nerves and looked over to Sauli. "Tommy continue, I want to know."

It was just a phase. Oh God how silly I was! I never told you because I know you would've left me, you wouldn't want to carry the extra-baggage.

Tommy looked up at Sauli again, handing him the letter. "It ends here. Sauli…You'll never know the full story." Sauli had a weak smile on his face. He took the letter from Tommy's hand and held it close to his chest. Sauli closed his eyes and said, "Can you please leave me alone? Just for a bit." Tommy nodded and left the room. Sauli traced over the paper, over the words Adam had left on him. He couldn't help but imagine how the words sounded in Adam's voice. The water the compressed him for so long finally started to drain, he could breathe a bit better. He put the letter back in his jacket and walked out into the main hall. The funeral had already started, Leila was already talking about how an amazing son he was. Sauli sat on one of the benches in front right next to Ashley and Cameron. Ashley sat down wiping tears from her eyes. She squeezed Sauli's hand for comfort. Sauli realized something. He wasn't the only one who lost someone, Everyone missed Adam. Sauli put his arm around Ashley and let her cry on his shoulder.


End file.
